I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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