Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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