i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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