Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
