New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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