I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He? As in you personified your dick?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
