dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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