Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Life without a bra equals bliss.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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