Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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