It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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