dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Pooping to opera.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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