Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I am one with the molecules
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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