He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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