Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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