So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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