He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
