I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
