you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
