I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
