I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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