if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
