I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
