Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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