ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
