Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He felt like a one man threesome
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
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just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
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Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.