he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.