my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
