I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off