watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
