All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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