Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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