i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
How external is "for external use only"?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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