Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
