he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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