mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
