Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
