if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
