Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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