So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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