I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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