you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
