There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
