Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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