dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
