meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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