we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
