well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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