i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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