There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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