Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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