Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
