i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
