You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
