oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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