My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
