i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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