no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
