so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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