Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
