OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
